Mysterious Items and Shaky Conclusions

Chapter 1: Dowsing Distractions

Nestled in a wooded valley, deep within the mountains, lies a small manor. Within said manor lives a reserved demon, who's a bit of a kleptomaniac; he treasures all sorts of various trinkets and curios. The demon’s life nowadays is peaceful, easy, even - The only issue is that, while he wishes he could spend all of the hours of the day theorising about and messing with his collection; there’s something always getting in its way: Interruptions, mildly varying in levels of inconvenience…

~

*Knock, Knock… Knock, Knock…*

“Mr Asaph, are you busy at the moment, there’s uh, something going on downstairs.”

When I heard the knock at the door, I had hoped it was just someone passing by, passing by clumsily, but passing by nonetheless; but at the sound of a voice following said knocks, I had to repress a sigh. I should have expected to be interrupted just as I began to get back into ‘the zone,’ as some might say.

“Exactly *what* is going on downstairs?”

“Something you need to look at, I think…”

That didn't exactly answer my question, but I decided I’d already been interrupted enough so there was little point in trying to continue with my current investigation. Considering the elaboration was as detailed as its preceding statement, it was probably best to have an actual conversation about whatever is going on.

“Come in, I can hardly hear you through the door.”

The thick door opened promptly with a whine (a whine not too dissimilar to one I wanted to make upon being interrupted) revealing Wilson, the houseboy of the manor; well, “houseboy” isn’t entirely accurate, but he pays rent via menial housework, so the title isn’t entirely mismatched. Regardless, he walked a few paces into the study and promptly stopped before me; I gave him a look over, his complexion looked a touch paler than usual, likely related to whatever unknown awaited for me downstairs, and one of his eyebrows was a touch higher than the other.

“Um… what exactly are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Erm, no, it’s really not.”

It became obvious to me at that moment that his eyebrow hadn’t simply decided to have a vacation from its usual spot for no reason, it was confusion. After I mulled it over for a few seconds, I supposed it made sense considering what I was in the middle of doing before being rudely interrupted in such a polite manner.

I had pushed the main desk of my study to the side in order to make a good amount of space for a new experiment, you see, recently I had acquired what can only be described as two large misshapen metal rods. Normally such an uninteresting object wouldn’t entice me, not because I’m uninterested in uninteresting objects, it’s just that I’m generally uninterested in uninteresting *metal* objects. Anyway, the reason I had acquired them was because of what the person who owned them told me; apparently these rods were capable of finding valuable treasures hidden underground, excited and intrigued at the prospect of finding diamonds in my back garden, I hadn’t listened to a single other word they had to say before promptly snapping them up and returning home. Of course, I quickly realised I had no idea how they work, so they sat abandoned and forgotten next to a watering can until I tripped over them a few days later.

Initially I tried talking to them, I even apologised for leaving them outside (I withheld the part about forgetting about them), but that did little to nothing as far as I could tell, clearly the misshapen metal rods were not sentient treasure hunters, or if they were, they weren’t particularly talkative. After that I had placed them on the floor and simply observed them, however after an hour or seven of draining scientific study, I eventually concluded that nothing was happening; even after I turned around just to make sure that they weren’t doing anything because they were shy.

Ready to give up for the day, I had picked them up to put them away, hoping to find new inspiration before tomorrow, when I felt them both move slightly within my hands! With my interest rejuvenated, I decided to stand holding the two rods out, one in each hand, while leaning as far forward as I could with one leg back as far as it could go and one forward to stabilise me. I had also begun slowly spinning to try and pick up that strange feeling once again; which was how I was currently holding myself, even as Wilson entered the room.

“I’m looking for riches that probably exist within your wildest dreams, specifically the ones that happen to take place underground.”

“Um, o-ok… Is that something you can interrupt?”

“Potentially, It depends on what’s happening, which you never actually told me, by the way.”

“Oh..! Um, well, I think the kitchen floor is about to explode, that’s all. Can’t move the tiles on my own to check what’s happening.”

That seems like something he should have opened with, although, part of me didn’t think anything of it at the time considering the treasure I was potentially about to find could have paid for at least twenty kitchen floors, potentially more; or less, if I wanted something a bit fancier.

“I think I’m in the middle of a breakthrough, can’t you ask someone else to help you? Either of your coworkers should be sufficient, probably.”

“Nobody else is home, just us and the cats.”

I thought to myself that that was extremely odd, five people live here (four depending on your definition of a person), all five of which have few reasons to be out at any given time, even less for so many to be out at once. When I told Wilson exactly this, he looked at me like I was a particularly amusing brand of stupid.

“Uh, you put everyone to work earlier today? To grab that thingamajig you wanted from the Ancient Underground?”

Well, it appears I *was* being a particularly amusing brand of stupid at that moment, I had been getting slightly more forgetful for a while, but considering how much those metal rods had consumed my mind that day with vigorous and exhausting scientific experiments, I suppose I could forgive myself for letting that minor detail slip my mind.

“Why are you still here then? You’re definitely under the umbrella of ‘putting everyone to work.’”

“If I left too, then there’d be no one to make you tea. Which we would be having right about now, if the kitchen floor didn’t sound like it was about to explode.”

“Ah yes, *that.* I suppose we should investigate then.”

Only once I had decided that the metal rod investigation could take a backseat, I stood up properly. The kitchen floor exploding was one thing, but missing out on tea was another; alright, yes, it *was* Wilson’s cooking, but it’s far better than my own would probably ever be and besides, it was steak night, even a mediocre cook can’t ruin a steak without some serious determination and effort.

Stepping out and closing the door to the study, the houseboy looked at me with another strange face, not to say that his face was always strange, no, he was just giving me another funny look.

“Is something the matter?”

“Why are you bringing those with you?”

I looked down in the direction he was pointing, either he was pointing at my trousers, or he was pointing at the rods; preparing for potential kitchen warfare didn’t sound like the kind of activity you go in half naked for, so I logically decided he meant the rods.

“I’m still trying to figure out how they work, and let me tell you one thing, inspiration and/or random positive results can strike at any moment! I’m just being prepared.”

“...Alright then.”

At that, we started to make our way down to the kitchen, not a particularly long walk by any means but just as we passed by the smallest parlour room, I noticed something very exciting, or rather, I felt it. The metal rods had moved on their own once again, in a similar fashion to how they did in the study, in fact the movement might have been stronger than the one I felt before; or maybe it only felt stronger because I was waiting (desperately hoping) for it.

“Wilson, I believe there is potential we are about to become uncomfortably rich potentially soon-ish~”

“Where’d you get that idea from?”

“It’s these sticks, they’re for finding glorious treasures - And right now - They’re moving on their own! This must be how they work!”

“Sounds like someone pawned off their tiny haunted walking sticks to you.”

“Haunted hmm..? That’s a good theory. Perhaps it’s haunted by the ghost of a treasure hunter who longs to see the shine of a bar of gold one last time; their last strength reaching out for the one thing that tethers them to this cruel metal prison in the first place…”

“Uh, sure…”

As the walk to the kitchen continued, I started to feel them move again, slowly moving towards each other; it must have been the arms of the poor ghost trying to grasp the quickly approaching treasure with both of its hands! I slightly increased the speed of my walking to match my slightly increasing expectations, the treasure was close, and considering I was only walking further into the house, there was potential that the manor was quite literally built upon a soon to be gold mine!

Before I even realised it, I quite suddenly found myself standing outside of the kitchen; then after a few seconds Wilson caught up, muttering something about the fact I had the right sense of urgency for the wrong thing. After kicking the door open (lightly of course, I’m not going to damage my own home am I?) it became very clear what he was talking about. Under the kitchen tiles there was some sort of hissing and metallic noise alongside one of the floor tiles moving back and forth very slightly, pushing up the grouting around it and making a mess.

“I see what you mean but why do you think it’s going to blow up? It could be anything.”

“Well, that’s where the um- water pipe is, comes from here, goes this way under that table, over to the sinks there. It’s hissing sometimes, I think the pipe’s going to burst.”

“I thought all the pipes here were made of the highest quality lead?”

“This place is pretty old right? Probably needs replacing…”

“Only a few hundred years younger than I am.”

“So prehistoric? Got it, let’s just get this over with.”

As Wilson lowered himself to the floor to grab one side of the tile, I began to walk over to the opposite side to help him, but just as I was about to put down the metal rods to help I noticed that they’d started to completely overlap! I turned on the spot to face away from the kitchen tile of the hour and watched the sticks move away from each other slightly; this could clearly mean only one thing!

“Wilson, I believe the pipe under this tile is filled with liquid gold! Or maybe slightly melted but still mostly solid gold!”

“The tap still runs water, checked just after it started hissing.”

“Oh… Regardless, the treasure is right under this tile! Come on, pull your weight.”

I placed the haunted metal rods to the side and got to work helping Wilson finally lift the tile to try and see what kind of treasure was hidden underneath; after a few seconds of unbearable physical labour and far, far too much dirt getting under my fingernails, we had finally started to move the tile. As much as we were working together on the task, I couldn’t help but feel I was the only one actually picking it up.

“Hey, don’t drag it, this thing’s an antique.”

“Huh, I thought you told Mr Ansaldo that these tiles were brand new last time he came over?”

“I never said they weren’t brand new, they’re antiques *of the future* dear Wilson~”

“...Uh-huh…”

After the houseboy started finally pulling his weight, we were able to place the tile to the side (without scratching it) and look down into the space under the floor. It was quite dark, the light coming from the walls didn’t quite carry all the way down but from what I could tell it looked entirely normal; or at least I thought it looked normal, I can’t say I’d ever looked under any floor in the manor, or any floor ever for that matter. I looked up to Wilson to see if he had any reaction, but he was looking just as confused as I was.

“Is this normal looking? You’ll know more than I do when it comes to stuff like this.”

“Yeah, come to think of it, it’s not shaking or hissing anymore either…”

“Hold on…”

I turned to pick up the rods again, but as I put them over the spot where my retirement-retirement fund should be, nothing happened. Had the treasure ghost gotten cold feet? Or was it simply unwilling to help now that the riches were within its reach?

“I think we upset the spirit…”

“Maybe we just can’t see what’s wrong, pitch black down there…”

“You’re probably right… Put your hand down there, maybe the weight of the tile was doing something?”

“Put *my* hand down there? Nu-uh, your idea, your hand.”

“I might break my nails, I’ll have you know I just got them done last week; they’re already dirty from this - You do it.”

“...Fine.”

Leaning down closer to the floor, I watched Wilson grab blindly in the darkness. It seemed his initial idea was to check under the water pipe, but after a few seconds of him grabbing nothing but dust and dirt, we could both hear a single hiss from below the floor; although now that the sound was no longer muffled, it certainly didn’t sound like any sort of sound a water pipe should be making.

“What was that?”

“The pipe, probably?”

“No, no, I don’t think pipes sound like that, or at least I’ve never met a pipe like that.”

“...Met?”

“You get what I mean… Keep going, I think the sound was from something other than the pipe.”

“Alright then…”

Once again, Wilson leaned closer to the floor, this time lying all the way down on it, all over the upturned grout. It made me glad that I could convince him to get the dirty work done so easily; it’s slightly annoying to get minor stains out of nice clothes, you know. He started poking around places other than the pipe as far as I could tell, it was kind of hard to gauge what was going on when he practically had his head inside the hole; I could tell that his hair was going to be an absolute mess by the time he was done. After a little bit of fumbling about, the hissing started again, and this time it wouldn’t stop.

“Hold on, there’s something squishy here… noisy too.”

A squishy noisy treasure? At the time, I couldn’t think of any kind of valuable substance that would be squishy or noisy, most valuables are generally solid or liquid; there’s not much that falls into the lawless land in between said states, maybe ‘gelatinous’ but certainly not ‘squishy.’ In any case, Wilson kept poking around before suddenly letting out a sharp yelp, quickly pulling himself out of the hole.

“Ow, there’s some- thing or other alive under there I think, little asshole bit me… Sharp too.”

“...Would it perhaps be the thing still attached to your hand?”

“Hmm, yeah, I suppose it proba- AHH! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!”

As much as I wish he didn’t, Wilson began to wildly flail his arm around, this not only made it difficult to get whatever it was off of him, but it also made identifying whatever it was much harder. I had tried to reach over and grab, what currently appeared to be a grey long rope attached to his arm, but after a few (what I must say were half decent) attempts to grab it, I ended up deciding on grabbing the poor boy’s arm and shaking it even harder, I thought that our combined powers of shakage would likely be sufficient in setting the creature/Wilson free. As it turns out, I was correct, just a few moments later the grey creature launched across the kitchen and slammed right into a pan hanging from the ceiling before dropping to the floor; creating the loudest racket I’d heard all day (disregarding the high pitched screams from a certain someone just moments ago).

After a few seconds it became clear that the creature was, at minimum, incapacitated enough for it to not immediately scurry off which allowed me to actually see what the unfortunate thing was. As I got closer it became immediately obvious that it was a snake of some kind. Now, I haven’t been particularly up to date with studies related to identifying snakes, but it appeared to me that this was some kind of Ivory Snake, if the horn on its head was any indication; it was grey and small with well defined teeth, almost certainly just a baby then.

“That explains that then, especially the hissing. *Tsk* Poor little guy’s out cold…”

“‘Poor little guy?’ The bloody thing bit me! Made a literally bloody mess of my hand too…”

“Oh, that’s nothing - You should see what they can do when they’re older; would have taken it clean off~”

“That doesn’t make it hurt any less you know…”

“Well, I think you’ve earned the rest of the day off, after you’ve finished our tea of course.”

“...Alright then, what are we going to do with it? You’re going to kill it, right?”

“Hmm… No, it’s not this thing’s fault it’s in the house, well actually *it is* but… It probably lives in the forest somewhere, I’ll go put it back; far enough that the cats won't get to it.”

“I’ll clean myself up and finish tea, I’ll probably be in the dining room with everything set up by the time you get back…”

With the day’s great mystery solved, Wilson plodded over to the sink while I picked up the snake and headed outside. It was just a short walk to get a bit deeper into the forest, I didn’t want to fly just in case the poor thing came to and decided to jump to its death; considering it was scrounging around under the kitchen floor for something, I’d assume it hadn’t started to fly yet. After finding a nice spot under some leaves to hide it, I went back home ready for a splendid meal - A meal the both of us had very well earned after solving such a minor inconvenience; yes, I didn’t find the treasure I was so hoping to find, but at least one job was well done. However, as it would turn out, there was a third job that was perhaps a little *too* well done…

“Um… Mr Asaph? I’m afraid to tell you that I… I left the oven on the whole time; the steak isn’t quite medium rare like you wanted but uh… Mash sure came out great!”

~

As the demon of the manor chewed through the steak that could only be described as ‘so well done, it’s a congratulation,’ he thought about the somewhat eventful afternoon he had experienced with the young houseboy. While the kitchen was very much not in danger of blowing up as first thought, the demon felt a small swell of pride knowing that he let the clueless Ivory Snake free. And as for the treasure and the two metal rods, he decided he had enough information to conclude the two metal rods' purpose. Clearly they were not for finding treasure, but instead misfortune; maybe the spirit within was actually vengeful in nature, perhaps it seeks to inflict others with the pain it had experienced in life? It was hard to make any concrete conclusions, but it seemed he figured out the general gist.

Well, at least the houseboy didn’t lie, the mash *did* come out great.